Eh… Title?

I enjoyed my pregnancy for exactly 1.5 days. After that, I started to worry. It’s horrible, this worry. It eats at me and I feel so completely paralyzed. Here are my most recent worries:

• Is my HCG too low? 27 mlU. The first beta with my last pregnancy was 42 mlU. Then again, I didn’t go get my blood work done for my first pregnancy until 2-3 days later. Should I get another beta? Are my betas doubling? Is it really all that matters?
• Was my Dollar Tree test really a false positive? I realize only now that the First Responses I was using were the Rapid Results one. Could I have gotten a positive test sooner? If so, see bullet point 1.
• Should I be taking my Prometrium orally? The bottle says, “ORALLY” but everything I’ve read says it’s more effective vaginally. Is it even effective?
• Why aren’t I more nauseated? Should I be having more symptoms?

I think that’s it. I sound so crazy. Rest assured, I really am.

It feels good to list everything that’s bothering me. My instincts tell me not to worry and that everything is going well. There’s just that really LOUD part of my brain that poisons everything.

Looking back at my first pregnancy, I think we knew all along that something wasn’t right. I went to Pennsylvania when I was about 6 weeks or so and brought pads with me. At my first ultrasound I had clarify with the doctor, “So there’s really something there?” Perhaps hindsight is 20/20.

I’m going to try my best to relax. I said to myself when I miscarried that, “For my next pregnancy, I hope to be a little less fearful and a little more happy about everything. I’m a little more optimistic about the next.”

On that note, I am 4 weeks and 3 days today!… and I’m hungry.

4:30 a.m.

The first thing that came to mind to blog about (at 4:30 a.m.) was, “I’m hungry.” My pregnancy symptoms definitely came on full force about 13 DPO. 15 DPO was when the I’m-hungry-every-minute symptom began. With my last pregnancy, I didn’t really have many symptoms until about a week into my pregnancy. Neither Brian nor I were ready for everything to happen so quickly.

A symptom I didn’t really have in my last pregnancy, that I do now, is nausea. I get waves of nausea every now and then. I mentioned before that gagging is incredibly common for me (even when not pregnant) but never to the extent that food actually comes up.

Of course, I’m also concerned about miscarrying again. Although I definitely feel more confident this time around, there’s always THE FEAR that sits in the back of my mind. I should though, trust my instincts more often. I find it pretty amazing that I didn’t schedule any consultations on Friday – and even TOLD people I was unavailable – knowing that I would be going to the doctor’s that day. When I got that BFN with the digital, I just knew it wasn’t right.

After work yesterday, I spent much of the day browsing through various TTC blogs. It definitely made Brian and I appreciate what we do have. Although we miscarried in March, we were able to get pregnant again fairly quickly. Whether our fishbaby sticks though, is a completely different story.

I’m excited beyond belief to be pregnant again!