More Spotting

The brown spotting started again last night and it doesn’t seem to be tapering off. I’m completely terrified and so nervous about our appointment on Wednesday.

4 Weeks, 6 Days Pregnant – Pregnancy Symptoms Disappearing

All my early pregnancy symptoms have completely disappeared – fatigue, nausea, hunger. I think I may still have frequent urination left and it’s the only thing giving me hope right now. (Wow! That’s a weird sentence.)

I know I have to stay positive but it’s so difficult – I just can’t go through another miscarriage.

On the bright side, I POAS again and in addition to a dark test line, the control line is very light. I looked up what that meant and found:

The reason the control line is so light is because your HCG levels are so high that it actually ‘pulls’ color from the control line.

Friday can’t come soon enough! I’m tempted to call my doctor’s office to see if I could move my appointment to today or tomorrow!

4 Weeks, 4 Days Pregnant

Last night I dreamt that the nurse looked at my chart and it said that the doctor was trying to induce a miscarriage. I protested and said I was not going to miscarry and thought to myself that I should change doctors.

It’s so difficult to relax but I know I should. Even though I tell myself that I’m keeping this baby no matter what, I think in the back of my mind, I’m still worried about losing it. I lurk on the pregnancy boards as much as I can searching for hope.

I took another pregnancy test in the middle of the night and the “pregnant” line showed up before the control line. It confused me so much that I had to look again which line was supposed to be which.

4 Weeks, 2 Days Pregnant

My husband and I have fears over another miscarriage. I woke up this morning not feeling as queasy as I have been and I got scared. However, I brushed those fears aside and reminded myself that I have everything going for me this time. I plan on enjoying this pregnancy and hopefully positive thoughts will will this baby along.

13 DPO – Beta #2 – UPDATED

The lines on the First Response and Dollar Tree tests are both darker today… but one little brown spot on my underwear has dampened my excitement about this pregnancy. It’s one little brown spot, but now I’m terrified.

I’m about to leave to test my HCG levels again. If there are any internet strangers reading this, we need all the prayers we can get.

UPDATE: HCG levels were at 119 and progesterone levels were at 34.9!!! I’m officially pregnant!!!

Eh… Title?

I enjoyed my pregnancy for exactly 1.5 days. After that, I started to worry. It’s horrible, this worry. It eats at me and I feel so completely paralyzed. Here are my most recent worries:

• Is my HCG too low? 27 mlU. The first beta with my last pregnancy was 42 mlU. Then again, I didn’t go get my blood work done for my first pregnancy until 2-3 days later. Should I get another beta? Are my betas doubling? Is it really all that matters?
• Was my Dollar Tree test really a false positive? I realize only now that the First Responses I was using were the Rapid Results one. Could I have gotten a positive test sooner? If so, see bullet point 1.
• Should I be taking my Prometrium orally? The bottle says, “ORALLY” but everything I’ve read says it’s more effective vaginally. Is it even effective?
• Why aren’t I more nauseated? Should I be having more symptoms?

I think that’s it. I sound so crazy. Rest assured, I really am.

It feels good to list everything that’s bothering me. My instincts tell me not to worry and that everything is going well. There’s just that really LOUD part of my brain that poisons everything.

Looking back at my first pregnancy, I think we knew all along that something wasn’t right. I went to Pennsylvania when I was about 6 weeks or so and brought pads with me. At my first ultrasound I had clarify with the doctor, “So there’s really something there?” Perhaps hindsight is 20/20.

I’m going to try my best to relax. I said to myself when I miscarried that, “For my next pregnancy, I hope to be a little less fearful and a little more happy about everything. I’m a little more optimistic about the next.”

On that note, I am 4 weeks and 3 days today!… and I’m hungry.

4:30 a.m.

The first thing that came to mind to blog about (at 4:30 a.m.) was, “I’m hungry.” My pregnancy symptoms definitely came on full force about 13 DPO. 15 DPO was when the I’m-hungry-every-minute symptom began. With my last pregnancy, I didn’t really have many symptoms until about a week into my pregnancy. Neither Brian nor I were ready for everything to happen so quickly.

A symptom I didn’t really have in my last pregnancy, that I do now, is nausea. I get waves of nausea every now and then. I mentioned before that gagging is incredibly common for me (even when not pregnant) but never to the extent that food actually comes up.

Of course, I’m also concerned about miscarrying again. Although I definitely feel more confident this time around, there’s always THE FEAR that sits in the back of my mind. I should though, trust my instincts more often. I find it pretty amazing that I didn’t schedule any consultations on Friday – and even TOLD people I was unavailable – knowing that I would be going to the doctor’s that day. When I got that BFN with the digital, I just knew it wasn’t right.

After work yesterday, I spent much of the day browsing through various TTC blogs. It definitely made Brian and I appreciate what we do have. Although we miscarried in March, we were able to get pregnant again fairly quickly. Whether our fishbaby sticks though, is a completely different story.

I’m excited beyond belief to be pregnant again!