4 Weeks, 4 Days Pregnant

Last night I dreamt that the nurse looked at my chart and it said that the doctor was trying to induce a miscarriage. I protested and said I was not going to miscarry and thought to myself that I should change doctors.

It’s so difficult to relax but I know I should. Even though I tell myself that I’m keeping this baby no matter what, I think in the back of my mind, I’m still worried about losing it. I lurk on the pregnancy boards as much as I can searching for hope.

I took another pregnancy test in the middle of the night and the “pregnant” line showed up before the control line. It confused me so much that I had to look again which line was supposed to be which.

Waiting for My Period…

I finally told my mom what has been going on. Although I was a little taken aback by her comment of, “That’s it?!,” it was nice to involve my mom. I spoke to my sister privately afterwards and spewed out all the poisonous thoughts about myself. It was so cathartic to speak with someone outside of all this – to hear how insane I sound to a third-party.

A few weeks ago, the tables were somewhat reversed with my sister and I. I was helping her sort through her problems and told her she was being too hard on herself. She said the same thing to me today and it allowed me to take a breath and let go just a bit.

Now, I am waiting for my period to arrive so we can start anew. I have a plan now, though. Brian and I are starting our detox diet (lots of vegetables, no McDonald’s) and I’m going to try to take everything in stride.

On a side note, I dreamt of washing my hair last night, over and over. I looked up what it meant:

Washing hair: Changing your attitude or the way you present yourself to others; altering the way you think about something or your viewpoint.

Today is hopefully the start of being healthier.

7 DPO

I obviously cannot be left to my own devices. I POAS this morning and of course got a BFN. On one hand, I’m glad I got it out of my system, on the other, it reminds me of last month – where I got one BFN after another and eventually my period. It caused me to lose a little bit of hope although I know rationally that it’s still too early.

I dreamt last night that I got a BFP and was so thrilled – especially to tell Brian. I had another dream of an infant and said to her (!), “We’ve been waiting so long for you.” Sounds incredibly cheesy.

The next two days are going to be super busy so I hope it’ll keep my mind off things. I hope to test again at 10 DPO.