Plan of Attack – Part I

I had a consultation with an infertility specialist today. It was incredibly informative and made me feel better knowing we had a plan of attack and knowing that there was going to be someone to hold our hand throughout our TTC.

Step I: Involves getting blood work regarding T Cells/B Cells. Either, I will be put on a low dosage of prednisone or something-something-something injection. Update: It is called IVIG therapy.

Step II: Involves a hysterosalpingography to rule out any problems with my uterus.

I have an appointment next Friday for Step II in which I will probably also get results for Step I.

On a side note, while I was in the waiting room, there were two mothers there both talking about the joys of motherhood. There was also another woman there who had worse problems than I did (I peeked at her chart! YIKES! Accidentally!). I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.

I Hate My Life

… okay, I don’t really. I have a ton of things to be grateful for – like my husband, my family, my job(s). I have a lot of people that care about me and I’m getting better medical care than I would have ever expected.

But… (there’s always a “but”) I can’t get rid of this horrible nagging anxiety, depression. Being so incredibly sensitive is the worst part of it all – everything is a slight against me, the whole world is plotting.

I can learn to let that last part go but my plan for the time being is to retreat into my hermit position. I just need to concentrate on my husband, myself, and my clients.

Antinuclear Antibodies

Receiving my $2,000 bill for the recurrent miscarriage testing prompted my call to the doctor this morning for results. She called me back almost immediately and told me I had elevated levels of antinuclear antibodies. I interpret that as – my body is attacking the pregnancy.

I cried for about 10 minutes afterwards not knowing whether to be happy that we found what might be wrong with me or upset that there was something wrong with me.

I have a consultation with her associate on Wednesday who typically deals with recurrent miscarriages. I’m not sure why I’m having the consultation but I know I’m very anxious about it.

No New Updates

May has been a difficult month so far. The only thing that keeps me going is drafting (in my head) my blog post announcing my pregnancy. On the drive to work, on the walk with the dogs, all I do is imagine a better time for Brian and I.

I don’t know what life is like pre trying-for-a-baby anymore. I know I was career-driven and focused but now I know none of it. The thoughts of having a viable pregnancy consumes me. My whole world has been turned upside down. I would give up my business in a heartbeat if it were possible and spend the rest of my life camping with Brian.

In a sense, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve stopped picking up phone calls, stopped putting my heart into my work. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore other than mourn and hope.

Recurrent Miscarriage Testing

I tested for recurrent miscarriages today and will receive the results after about two weeks. I got nervous when I saw the nurse pull out vial after vial for blood.

After my first regular period, I’ll be tested for low progesterone about Day 24 of my cycle. I have a feeling that this is what the cause of my miscarriages is – but learned I shouldn’t rely on my instincts too much.

Insurance may not cover recurrent miscarriage testing and the nurse informed me that it would be “expensive.” I am prepared to see the invoice.

I’ll be glad to know more information so for now, no baby making.

Waiting for My Period…

I finally told my mom what has been going on. Although I was a little taken aback by her comment of, “That’s it?!,” it was nice to involve my mom. I spoke to my sister privately afterwards and spewed out all the poisonous thoughts about myself. It was so cathartic to speak with someone outside of all this – to hear how insane I sound to a third-party.

A few weeks ago, the tables were somewhat reversed with my sister and I. I was helping her sort through her problems and told her she was being too hard on herself. She said the same thing to me today and it allowed me to take a breath and let go just a bit.

Now, I am waiting for my period to arrive so we can start anew. I have a plan now, though. Brian and I are starting our detox diet (lots of vegetables, no McDonald’s) and I’m going to try to take everything in stride.

On a side note, I dreamt of washing my hair last night, over and over. I looked up what it meant:

Washing hair: Changing your attitude or the way you present yourself to others; altering the way you think about something or your viewpoint.

Today is hopefully the start of being healthier.

Impending Miscarriage

One of the worst things about going through a miscarriage is how little understanding/sympathy there is from people who are not at the point in their lives where they want children/who have not gone through a miscarriage before. The people I want to turn to the most are the same people who just don’t understand. I lurk on miscarriage forums but there is no connection for me. So, I’m left alone besides my husband, who is also grieving, and my blog.

Perhaps the worst thing is knowing that there is something wrong with me. I cannot even fulfill one of my basic roles as a woman. I feel inadequate as a wife.

I find no joy in anything I do anymore. My work, which used to be a great creative outlet, has become a huge chore. I’d rather pass the minutes and hours in bed.

And now… Now, I don’t know where I go from here. I feel numb and sad.

Chemical Pregnancy

Per my doctor, I went in today for some more bloodwork. My HCG levels have dropped down to 16. She said she wanted to see me in for some more bloodwork to see why this was happening. She said the good news is that we could get pregnant.

I’m incredibly numb right now. I can’t go through this again.