Too Anxious…

I have so much anxiety from waiting for my doctor to tell us what the new plan is that I’ve kind of shut down. I don’t care what I look like anymore, care even less about what I wear, and I don’t notice anyone or anything around me.

So today, I made a goal to make an effort to stop living inside my own brain. I’m proud so far – I walked the dogs, e-mailed some of my clients, wrote thank you notes to people who have been supportive of me, and donated some money to the Red Cross.

I need to start living life again – something I feel like I haven’t been doing since our first miscarriage. I feel that the first place to start, is by giving and doing nice things. Hopefully I can keep this up some way or another.

I am doubly infertile

I went in for my HSG today and after the discomfort and slight cramping, my doctor discovered I have a polyp on top of my uterus which will require outpatient surgery. I loved the look on his face however, when he discovered it. It was the look of a computer technician who had found his bug.

To top it all off, I had to redo my bloodwork from last week because the nurses used the wrong colored vials. I don’t even know what to think at this point since I am mostly numb. I hate this journey – I keep hoping that it’s almost over.

I’m Ovulating Soon

I got a peak reading on my fertility monitor today combined with my usual ovulation symptoms: nausea, a dip in my BBT, and heart palpitations.

I actually feel pretty good this cycle. I feel like my body is returning to normal after my miscarriage and the insane amount of stress this month (including Brian landing himself in the hospital). I’m ready to face next month armed with a positive attitude and medical assistance.

As a last resort…

My conversation with my husband:

Me: It might take years for us to get pregnant. We may have to consider adoption.

Him: ABDUCTION?

I am infertile

My doctors seem optimistic and I have faith – but the reality is that none of these treatments I may be receiving is 100% successful. The reality is that I may never have children.

The only way I am able to keep going is to get through each day by day and look foward to the future. I see better days ahead for us, at least I hope so.

On a side note, I’ve had two searches for “i hate my husband” that reached my blog. I feel sad for whomever searched for those terms. Not pity, just sadness.

Plan of Attack – Part I

I had a consultation with an infertility specialist today. It was incredibly informative and made me feel better knowing we had a plan of attack and knowing that there was going to be someone to hold our hand throughout our TTC.

Step I: Involves getting blood work regarding T Cells/B Cells. Either, I will be put on a low dosage of prednisone or something-something-something injection. Update: It is called IVIG therapy.

Step II: Involves a hysterosalpingography to rule out any problems with my uterus.

I have an appointment next Friday for Step II in which I will probably also get results for Step I.

On a side note, while I was in the waiting room, there were two mothers there both talking about the joys of motherhood. There was also another woman there who had worse problems than I did (I peeked at her chart! YIKES! Accidentally!). I guess I’m somewhere in the middle.

I Hate My Life

… okay, I don’t really. I have a ton of things to be grateful for – like my husband, my family, my job(s). I have a lot of people that care about me and I’m getting better medical care than I would have ever expected.

But… (there’s always a “but”) I can’t get rid of this horrible nagging anxiety, depression. Being so incredibly sensitive is the worst part of it all – everything is a slight against me, the whole world is plotting.

I can learn to let that last part go but my plan for the time being is to retreat into my hermit position. I just need to concentrate on my husband, myself, and my clients.

Antinuclear Antibodies

Receiving my $2,000 bill for the recurrent miscarriage testing prompted my call to the doctor this morning for results. She called me back almost immediately and told me I had elevated levels of antinuclear antibodies. I interpret that as – my body is attacking the pregnancy.

I cried for about 10 minutes afterwards not knowing whether to be happy that we found what might be wrong with me or upset that there was something wrong with me.

I have a consultation with her associate on Wednesday who typically deals with recurrent miscarriages. I’m not sure why I’m having the consultation but I know I’m very anxious about it.

No New Updates

May has been a difficult month so far. The only thing that keeps me going is drafting (in my head) my blog post announcing my pregnancy. On the drive to work, on the walk with the dogs, all I do is imagine a better time for Brian and I.

I don’t know what life is like pre trying-for-a-baby anymore. I know I was career-driven and focused but now I know none of it. The thoughts of having a viable pregnancy consumes me. My whole world has been turned upside down. I would give up my business in a heartbeat if it were possible and spend the rest of my life camping with Brian.

In a sense, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve stopped picking up phone calls, stopped putting my heart into my work. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore other than mourn and hope.

Pregnant Women & Babies

Everywhere Brian and I look now, we see a pregnant woman, a baby, or a pregnant woman with a baby and then predictably my heart starts to ache. I started chanting/whining today, “I want a baby, I want a baby.” Hopefully, that will help our fertility problems.