Chemical Pregnancy

Per my doctor, I went in today for some more bloodwork. My HCG levels have dropped down to 16. She said she wanted to see me in for some more bloodwork to see why this was happening. She said the good news is that we could get pregnant.

I’m incredibly numb right now. I can’t go through this again.

Eh… Title?

I enjoyed my pregnancy for exactly 1.5 days. After that, I started to worry. It’s horrible, this worry. It eats at me and I feel so completely paralyzed. Here are my most recent worries:

• Is my HCG too low? 27 mlU. The first beta with my last pregnancy was 42 mlU. Then again, I didn’t go get my blood work done for my first pregnancy until 2-3 days later. Should I get another beta? Are my betas doubling? Is it really all that matters?
• Was my Dollar Tree test really a false positive? I realize only now that the First Responses I was using were the Rapid Results one. Could I have gotten a positive test sooner? If so, see bullet point 1.
• Should I be taking my Prometrium orally? The bottle says, “ORALLY” but everything I’ve read says it’s more effective vaginally. Is it even effective?
• Why aren’t I more nauseated? Should I be having more symptoms?

I think that’s it. I sound so crazy. Rest assured, I really am.

It feels good to list everything that’s bothering me. My instincts tell me not to worry and that everything is going well. There’s just that really LOUD part of my brain that poisons everything.

Looking back at my first pregnancy, I think we knew all along that something wasn’t right. I went to Pennsylvania when I was about 6 weeks or so and brought pads with me. At my first ultrasound I had clarify with the doctor, “So there’s really something there?” Perhaps hindsight is 20/20.

I’m going to try my best to relax. I said to myself when I miscarried that, “For my next pregnancy, I hope to be a little less fearful and a little more happy about everything. I’m a little more optimistic about the next.”

On that note, I am 4 weeks and 3 days today!… and I’m hungry.